[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*
A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Anytime a frozen meal tells me to “cut holes in film to vent” I pretend like I’m Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.