A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.

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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*



Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”


Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?


ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them


I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.


Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?


If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash


Anytime a frozen meal tells me to “cut holes in film to vent” I pretend like I’m Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects


YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.


If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.