A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Bootstraps
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d