A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

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Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys


Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.


I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.


They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”


I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.


[DAY 6]
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.


Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell


The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.