A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My therapist after every session
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: