A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.