HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.