@markydoodoo

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

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@KingRainhead

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

@iGreenMonk

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@Wine_honey1

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

@timdonakowski

Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?

@Marlebean

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

@karanbirtinna

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@Ygrene

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

@Anon_o_Mom

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.