A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Story of my life…..
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.