12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I never needed anything more in my life
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
mechanics be like
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?