A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
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Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*