A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car