a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Mood.. 😂
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.