[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
this is the best day of my life
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.