A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You Might Also Like
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
those birds must be on payroll
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.