@brunopieroni

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

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@hippieswordfish

THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird

@NotARatsAss

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

@shanethevein

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

@ka_unplugged

There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

@ByYourLogic

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@UnfilteredMama

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@OkieGirl405

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life