A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that