a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”