“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: *passes out pizza*
3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2
Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*
3: wow, thank you
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.