A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The funk soul brother
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.