A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.