@Jamberee13

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

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@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

@Lisabug74

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

@dietredbull

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@BillMc7

My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.

@CrockettForReal

I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

@jellybnbonanza

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

@kavoinooi

I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings

@TheRolo

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

@Iwriteforcats

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”