A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.


Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”


it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill


Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’


My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.


I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it


I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.


I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings


Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate


James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”


“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”