A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
listen closely
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea