@cravin4

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

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@girl_a_whirl

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

@Home_Halfway

Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

@Gupton68

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

@heidi420x

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

@junejuly12

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

@AndyAsAdjective

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

@abbycohenwl

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

@DCpierson

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.