@cravin4

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

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@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@OusaMedousa

Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.

N:

M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

@pleasantchime

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

@Illiter8

When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good.
No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface.
You too, ladies.

@MorticiaKate

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

@Skullcat

Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.

@stevevsninjas

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

@DennisLWeaver

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.