*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.