A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?