[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]

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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.


Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok


You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous


Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon


FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.


I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao


Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?


*Doctor finishes the exam*

“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”

“I’m so mad I could pun-”

*Doctor looks over his glasses*


Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.