Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao
Me, in shorts and a t-shirt
7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?
*Doctor finishes the exam*
“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”
“I’m so mad I could pun-”
*Doctor looks over his glasses*
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.