NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?