A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

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The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.


Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I’d get pulled over, but I’m kind of afraid to tell you. Let’s both say it on 1-2-3, ok?


toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else


My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.


Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.


Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water