A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.