A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.