A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.


DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there


[Sticks note to your door with a knife]

I had a really nice time last night


Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.


Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.


Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,



Everyone born in December.


My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.


I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.


How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?


RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*