@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

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@tchrquotes

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

@chimneyspotter

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@Chhapiness

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

@ericaj1721

3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

@cervixsmash

I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries

@jazmasta

Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

@sween

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.