A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.