Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@SamGrittner

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

@3sunzzz

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

@noahrobbinsman

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

@ThisLocalHater

[from inside the trunk of your car]

Babe, are you mad at me or something?

@PresTightrhymes

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

@TheHyyyype

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

@garrydavenport

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

@krishna_van

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.