A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”

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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about


I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise


“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”


The most annoying part about getting older is the incessant desire to give those younger than me unwanted advice.


When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.


BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?


It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.


You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.


“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.