me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”
You Might Also Like
Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[from inside the trunk of your car]
Babe, are you mad at me or something?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.