A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”

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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?


Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.


*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*


Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.


An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”


[from inside the trunk of your car]

Babe, are you mad at me or something?


me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??


Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.


Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.