JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.