A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”