A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t