A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.