@iamspacegirl

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

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@aligarchy

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

@sofarrsogud

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

@daemonic3

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@Tommytoughstuff

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@williamsonnier

customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
him: …
him: …
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.