A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.