@boynadomama

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

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@AdamOfEarth

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.

@iwearaonesie

a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’

@Michael1979

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

@girlontapas

The 3 second rule: the time between when you tell me your name and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was.

@E_lok44

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

@ColeNoorda

Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?

Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?

@Cycloptomese

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

@skedaddle74

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.