When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The 3 second rule: the time between when you tell me your name and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?
Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.