A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box


“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015


Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car


INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?


“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.


Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.


*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*


I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks


I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people