ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that’s all I saw
*shows me it’s just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That’s him
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?