[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Me: in the glove box
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*puts finger over your lips*
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people