A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets