A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.