@Jaden76

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

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@1Happytwit

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

@martinMmorrow

Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@Cravin4

“He’s 24 months old.”

2

Your child is 2

@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

@rolldiggity

New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.

@KylePlantEmoji

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

@kirbys4losers

Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.

@placeswewillgo1

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

@girl_a_whirl

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???