A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.