A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
next question.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.