@3sunzzz

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

You Might Also Like

@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

@AmericanGent69

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

@Fact

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

@LeBearGirdle

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

@LaytesAgain

For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”

@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.