“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.