A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
You Might Also Like
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another