It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I’m vegan until my next paycheck.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]