@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

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@UncleDuke1969

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

@CatsVsHumanity

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

@bornmiserable

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@BreadFoster

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@thedadvocate01

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!