In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Wine – you’re gonna sleep good
Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.
Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Stick it to the man
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.