A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
that colleague who touches your screen
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.