A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I think they could have phrased this better
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*