A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.