Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
You Might Also Like
her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal
[later at dinner]
her: why are you doing this?
me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??
computer: re-enter password
computer: passwords do not match
I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
women dont read this…
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us