@SouthernStylin1

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

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@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

@all_dredd

her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??

@50FirstTates

computer: re-enter password

me: mysocks

computer: passwords do not match

@KKBowls

I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.

@notacroc

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@TheNYAMProject

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us