A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
describing stardew valley
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.