A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Did my cat write this
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Smooooooth
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!