@DurtMcHurtt

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

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@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@MenHumor

Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.

@BoozyMusic

“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip

@drankturpentine

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

@Sarcasticsapien

[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.

@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@Staggfilms

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.