[walking through park with date]
Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
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Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.
“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”
-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Another day, another nope.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*