A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Nice try Hitler
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.