A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today鈥檚 group Skype meeting.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don鈥檛 look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it鈥檚 been watching me for hours.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I鈥檓 thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We鈥檙e not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I鈥檇 be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I鈥檓 here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.