@sonictyrant

A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet

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@seamussaid

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

@Browtweaten

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

@Ronbo604

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

@Book_Krazy

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

@TheMichaelRock

My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.

@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

@OneLastStranger

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

@dubstep4dads

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

@weinerdog4life

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away