Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
This rocks
This bar smells like my childhood.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS