A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
did it work
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.