He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.
They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.