@mrjohndarby

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

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@protolalia

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

@DanMentos

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

@pplwtching

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

@_Kim_Jongun

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

@weinerdog4life

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

@TheMichaelRock

Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.