*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.